Tuesday, September 30, 2025

The Golden Legend.--No. I.

A Lay of St. Nicholas
by Thomas Ingoldsby [Richard Barham].

Originally published in Bentley's Miscellany (Richard Bentley) vol.3 (1838).


        "Statim sacerdoti apparuit diabolus in specie puellæ pulchritudinis miræ, et ecce Divus, fide catholicâ et cruce et aquâ benedictâ armatus, venit, et aspersit aquam in nomine sanctæ et individuæ Trinitatis, quam, quasi ardentem, diabolus, nequaquam sustinere valens, mugitibus fugit."                                 Roger Hoveden.

        "Lord Abbot! Lord Abbot! I'd fain confess;
                I am a-weary, and worn with woe;
        Many a grief doth my heart oppress,
                And haunt me whithersoever I go!"

        On bended knee spake the beautiful Maid;
                "Now lithe and listen, Lord Abbot, to me!"—
        "Now naye, Fair Daughter," the Lord Abbot said,
                "Now naye, in sooth it may hardly be;

        "There is Mess Michael, and holy Mess John,
                Sage Penitauncers I ween be they!
        And hard by doth dwell, in St. Catherine's cell,
                Ambrose, the anchorite old and grey!"

        "—Oh, I will have none of Ambrose or John,
                Though sage Penitauncers I trow they be;
        Shrive me may none save the Abbot alone.
                Now listen, Lord Abbot, I speak to thee;

        "Nor think foul scorn, though mitre adorn
                Thy brow, to listen to shrift of mine.
        I am a Maiden royally born,
                And I come of old Plantaganet's line.

        "Though hither I stray in lowly array,
                I am a Damsel of high degree;
        And the Compte of Eu, and the Lord of Ponthieu,
                They serve my father on bended knee!

        "Counts a many, and Dukes a few,
                A suitoring came to my father's Hall;
        But the Duke of Lorraine, with his large domain,
                He pleas'd my father beyond them all.

        "Dukes a many, and Counts a few,
                I would have wedded right cheerfulie;
        But the Duke of Lorraine was uncommonly plain,
                And I vow'd that he ne'er should my bridegroom be!

        "So hither I fly, in lowly guise,
                From their gilded domes and their princely halls;
        Fain would I dwell in some holy cell,
                Or within some Convent's peaceful walls!"

        —Then out and spake that proud Lord Abbot,
                "Now rest thee, Fair Daughter, withouten fear;
        Nor Count nor Duke but shall meet the rebuke
                Of Holy Church an he seek thee here;

        "Holy Church denieth all search
                "Midst her sanctified ewes and her saintly rams;
        And the wolves doth mock who would scathe her flock,
                Or, especially, worry her little pet lambs.

        "Then lay, Fair Daughter, thy fears aside,
                For here this day shalt thou dine with me!"—
        "Now naye, now naye," the fair maiden cried;
                "In sooth, Lord Abbot, that scarce may be!

        "Friends would whisper, and foes would frown,
                Sith thou art a Churchman of high degree,
        And ill mote it match with thy fair renown
                That a wandering damsel dine with thee!

        "There is Simon the Deacon hath pulse in store,
                With beans and lettuces fair to see;
        His lenten fare now let me share,
                I pray thee, Lord Abbot, in charitie!"

        —"Though Simon the Deacon have pulse in store,
                To our patron Saint foul shame it were
        Should way-worn guest with toil opprest
                Meet in his abbey such churlish fare.

        "There is Peter the Prior, and Francis the Friar,
                And Roger the Monk shall our convives be;
        Small scandal I ween shall then be seen;
                They are a goodly companie!"

        The Abbot hath donn'd his mitre and ring,
                His rich dalmatic, and maniple fine;
        And the choristers sing as the lay-brothers bring
                To the board a magnificent turkey and chine.

        The turkey and chine they were done to a nicety;
                Liver, and gizzard, and all were there:
        Ne'er mote Lord Abbot pronounce Benedicite
                Over more luscious or delicate fare.

        But no pious stave he, no Pater or Ave,
                Pronounced, as he gazed on that maiden's face:
        She asked him for stuffing, she asked him for gravy,
                And gizzard; but never once asked him for Grace!

        Then gaily the Lord Abbot smiled and prest,
                And the blood-red wine in the wine-cup fill'd;
        And he help'd his guest to a bit of the breast,
                And he sent the drumsticks down to be grill'd.

        There was no lack of old Sherris sack,
                Of Hippocras fine, or of Malmsey bright;
        And aye, as he drained off his cup with a smack,
                He grew less pious and more polite.

        She pledged him once, and she pledged him twice,
                And she drank as a Lady ought not to drink;
        And he pressed her hand ‘neath the table thrice,
                And he winked as an Abbot ought not to wink.

        And Peter the Prior, and Francis the Friar,
                Sat each with a napkin under his chin;
        But Roger the Monk got excessively drunk,
                So they put him to bed, and they lock'd him in!

        The lay-brothers gaz'd on each other, amaz'd;
                And Simon the Deacon, with grief and surprise,
        As he peep'd through the key-hole could scarce fancy real
                The scene he beheld, or believe his own eyes.

        In his ear was ringing the Lord Abbot singing,—
                He could not distinguish the words very plain,
        But 'twas all about " Cole," and " jolly old Soul,"
                And "Fiddlers," and "Punch," and things quite as profane.

        Even Porter Paul, at the sound of such revelling,
                With fervour began himself to bless;
        For he thought he must somehow have sure let the Devil in,—
                And perhaps was not very much out in his guess.

        The Accusing Byers flew up to Heaven's Chancery,
                Blushing like scarlet with shame and concern;
        The Archangel took down his tale, and in answer he
                Wept—(See the works of the late Mr. Sterne.)

        Indeed, it is said, a less taking both were in
                When, after a lapse of a great many years,
        They book'd Uncle Toby five shillings for swearing,
                And blotted the fine out at once with their tears!

        But St. Nicholas' agony who may paint?
                His senses at first were well-nigh gone;
        The beatified Saint was ready to faint
                When he saw in his Abbey such sad goings on!

        For never, I ween, had such doings been seen
                There before, from the time that most excellent Prince,
        Earl Baldwin of Flanders, and other Commanders,
                Had built and endow'd it some centuries since.

        —But, hark!—'tis a sound from the outermost gate!
                A startling sound from a powerful blow.
        Who knocks so late?—it is half after eight
                By the clock, and the clock's five minutes too slow.

        Never, perhaps, had such loud double-raps
                Been heard in St. Nicholas' Abbey before;
        All agreed "it was shocking to keep people knocking,"
                But none seem'd inclined to "answer the door."

        Now a louder bang through the cloisters rang,
                And the gate on its hinges wide open flew;
        And all were aware of a Palmer there,
                With his cockle, hat, staff, and his sandal shoe.

        Many a furrow, and many a frown,
                By toil and time on his brow were traced;
        And his long loose gown was of ginger brown,
                And his rosary dangled below his waist.

        Now seldom, I ween, is such costume seen,
                Except at stage-play or masquerade;
        But who doth not know it was rather the go
                With Pilgrims and Saints in the second Crusade?

        With noiseless stride did that Palmer glide
                Across the oaken floor;
        And he made them all jump, he gave such a thump
                Against the Refectory door!

        Wide open it flew, and plain to the view
                The Lord Abbot they all mote see;
        In his hand was a cup, and he lifted it up,
                "Here's the Pope's good health with three!!"

        Rang in their ears three deafening cheers,
                "Huzza! huzza! huzza!"
        And one of the party said, "Go it, my hearty!"
                When out spake that Pilgrim grey—

        "A boon, Lord Abbot! a boon! a boon!
                Worn is my foot, and empty my scrip;
        And nothing to speak of since yesterday noon
                Of food, Lord Abbot, hath passed my lip.

        "And I am come from a far countree,
                And have visited many a holy shrine;
        And long have I trod the sacred sod
                Where the Saints do rest in Palestine!"—

        "An thou art come from a far countree,
                And if thou in Paynim lands hast been,
        Now rede me aright the most wonderful sight,
                Thou Palmer grey, that thine eyes have seen.

        "Arede me aright the most wonderful sight,
                Grey Palmer, that ever thine eyes did see,
        And a manchette of bread, and a good warm bed,
                And a cup o' the best shall thy guerdon be!"—

        "Oh! I have been east, and I have been west,
                And I have seen many a wonderful sight;
        But never to me did it happen to see
                A wonder like that which I see this night!

        "To see a Lord Abbot in rochet and stole,
                With Prior and Friar,—a strange mar-velle!—
        O'er a jolly full bowl, sitting cheek by jowl,
                And hob-nobbing away with a Devil from Hell!"

        He felt in his gown of ginger brown,
                And he pull'd out a flask from beneath;
        It was rather tough work to get out the cork,
                But he drew it at last with his teeth.

        O'er a pint and a quarter of holy water
                He made the sacred sign;
        And he dash'd the whole on the soi-disante daughter
                Of old Piantagenet's line!

        Oh! then did she reek, and squeak, and shriek,
                With a wild unearthly scream;
        And fizzled and hiss'd, and produced such a mist,
                They were all half-chok'd by the steam.

        Her dove-like eyes turn'd to coals of fire,
                Her beautiful nose to a horrible snout,
        Her hands to paws with nasty great claws,
                And her bosom went in, and her tail came out.

        On her chin there appear'd a long Nanny-goat's beard,
                And her tusks and her teeth no man mote tell;
        And her horns and her hoofs gave infallible proofs
                'T was a frightful Fiend from the nethermost Hell!

        The Palmer threw down his ginger gown,
                His hat and his cockle; and, plain to sight,
        Stood St. Nicholas' self, aud his shaven crown
                Had a glow-worm halo of heav'nly light.

        The Fiend made a grasp, the Abbot to clasp;
                But St. Nicholas lifted his holy toe,
        And, just in the nick, let fly such a kick
                On his elderly Namesake, he made him let go.

        And out of the window he flew like a shot,
                For the foot flew up with a terrible thwack,
        And caught the foul demon about the spot
        Where his tail joins on to the small of his back.

        And he bounded away, like a foot-ball at play,
                Till into the bottomless pit he fell slap,
        Knocking Mammon the meagre o'er pursy Beephglor,
                And Lucifer into Beëlzebub's lap.

        Oh! happy the slip from his Succubine grip,
                That saved the Lord Abbot, though, breathless with fright,
        In escaping he tumbled, and fractured his hip,
                And his left leg was shorter thenceforth than his right!

*                *                *                *                *

        On the banks of the Rhine, as he's stopping to dine,
                From a certain Inn-window the traveller is shown
        Some picturesque ruins, the scene of these doings,
                A few miles up the river, south-east of Cologne.

        And, while "saur kraut" she sells you, the Landlady tells you
                That there, in those walls, now all roofless and bare,
        One Simon, a Deacon, from a lean grew a sleek one,
        On filling a çi-devant Abbot's state chair.

        How a çi-devant Abbot, all clothed in drab, but
                Of texture the coarsest, hair shirt, and no shoes,
        (His mitre and ring, and all that sort of thing
                Laid aside,) in yon Cave liv'd a pious recluse;

        How he rose with the sun, limping "dot and go one"
                To yon rill of the mountain, in all sorts of weather,
        Where a Prior and a Friar, who liv'd somewhat higher
                Up the rock, used to come and eat cresses together;

        How a thirsty old codger the neighbours call'd Roger,
                With them drank cold water in lieu of old wine!
        What its quality wanted he made up in quantity,
                Swigging as though he'd fain empty the Rhine!

        And how, as their bodily strength fail'd, the mental man
                Gain'd tenfold vigour and force in all four:
        And how, to the day of their death, the "Old Gentleman"
                Never attempted to kidnap them more.

        And how, when at length in the odour of sanctity,
                All of them died without grief or complaint;
        The Monks of St. Nicholas said 'twas ridiculous
                Not to suppose every one was a Saint.

        And how, in the Abbey no one was so shabby
                As not to say yearly four masses a head,
        On the eve of that supper, and kick on the crupper
                Which Satan received, for the souls of the dead!

        How folks long held in reverence their reliques and memories,
                How the çi-devant Abbot's obtained greater still,
        When some cripples, on touching his fractured os femoris,
                Threw down their crutches, and danced a quadrille.

        And how Abbot Simon, (who turn'd out a prime one,)
                These words, which grew into a proverb full soon,
        O'er the late Abbot's grotto, stuck up as a motto,
                "Who suppes wyth the Devylle sholde haue a long spoone!!"

Thomas Ingoldsby.

Down Whitechapel Way

by George Augustus Sala (uncredited).

Originally published in Household Words (Bradbury & Evans) vol.4 #84 (01 Nov 1851).


        "Sir," said Samuel Johnson to the Scotch gentleman—"sir, let us take a walk down Fleet Street." If I had not a thousand other reasons to love and revere the memory of the great and good old doctor, I should still love and revere it for his preference of Fleet Street to the fields—of streets generally to sylvan shades—of the hum of men and the rattling of wheels, to the chirp of the cricket or the song of the skylark. It may be prejudice, or an unpoetic mind, or so on; but I am of the streets, streety. I love to take long walks, not only down Fleet Street, but up and down all other streets, alleys, and lanes. I love to loiter about Whitehall, and speculate as to which window of the Banqueting House it was, and whether at the front, or at the back, that Charles Stuart came out to his death. I see a vivid mind-picture of the huge crowd gathered together that bleak January morning, to witness the fall of that "grey discrowned head." Drury Lane I affect especially, past and present—the Maypole, Nelly Gwynn, and the Earls of Craven, dividing my interest with Vinegar Yard, the costermongers, the pawn-brokers, and the stage-door of the theatre round the corner. Holborn, Cheapside, the Old Bailey, the great thoroughfares on the Surrey side of the water, have all equal charms for me.
        I will take a walk "down Whitechapel way."
        How many thousands of us have lived for years—for a third part of our lives, probably, in London-—and have never been down the Whitechapel Road! I declare that there are not half-a-dozen persons in the circle of my acquaintance who can tell me where Bethnal Green is. As to Ratcliff Highway, Shadwell, Poplar, Limehouse, and Rotherhithe, they are entirely terræ incognitæ to shoals of born-and-bred Londoners.
        "Down Whitechapel way." Have you ever been "down" that way, reader? Ten to one you have not. You have heard, probably, of Whitechapel needles; and the costermonger from whom you may occasionally have condescended to purchase vegetables would very likely inform you, were you to ask him, that he lives "down that way." Perhaps your impressions connected with Whitechapel, refer vaguely to butchers, or, probably, to Jews, or possibly to thieves. Very likely you don't trouble yourself at all about the matter. You had an aunt once who lived at Mile End; but she quarrelled with everybody during her lifetime, and left her money to the London Hospital when she died, and you never went to see her. You see scores of omnibuses pass your door daily, with Aldgate, Whitechapel, Mile End, painted on their panels; but you have no business to transact there, and let the omnibuses go on their way without further comment.
        Those who care to know a little about what their neighbours in the far East are doing this Saturday night, are very welcome to accompany me in the little excursion I am about to make. A thick pair of boots, and perhaps a mackintosh, or some light covering of that sort, would not be out of place; for it is as rainy, slushy, and muddy a Saturday night as you would desire to have (or not to have) in the month of October. Stay, here is a friend with us who has known Whitechapel and its purlieus anytime this five-and-twenty years, on all sorts of days and nights. Here is another who is an enthusiast in the noble art of self-defence, and who insists on forming one of our party, on the principle that a night excursion to Whitechapel must necessarily involve a "scrimmage," and an opportunity to develop the celebrated tactics of the prize-ring on a grand scale. Those who patronise the deleterious weed may light cigars; and so onward towards Whitechapel!
        On, through Fleet Street—passing St. Dunstan's as eight strikes; noting the newspaper offices blazing with gas from basement to garret; jostled occasionally by the well-looking (though ruined) agricultural gentlemen, with massy watch-chains (and bankrupt purses) who have been discussing port and Protection after an ample dinner at Peele's or Anderton's. On, and up Ludgate the lofty, watching the red and blue lights of the doctors' shops as they are mirrored in the wet pavement; and thinking, perhaps, that, after all, there may be some good in that early-closing movement which has fastened the portals of all those magnificent palaces of linen-drapery, and sent those shoals of spruce clerks and assistants forth for health and recreation—many, it is to be hoped, to the Literary and Scientific Institute, the class-room, and the singing lesson, and not all (as some kind souls would insinuate) to the taproom or the cigar shop. On, round the solemn dome of St. Paul's, and by that remarkable thoroughfare on the left-hand side, where, to my mind, the odours of a pastrycook's shop, of a tallow-manufactory, of the Chapter Coffee House, and all the newly-bound books in Paternoster Row are irrevocably combined and blended. On, by Cheapside, the magnificent, where rows of dazzling gas-reflectors illumine shop-fronts, teeming with yet more dazzling stores of watches, rich jewellery, and bales of silver spoons and forks. There are desolate ragged wretches staring wistfully at the glittering heaps of baubles, just as they would at the pennyworth of pudding in the window of a cook's shop. Are they speculating on the possibility of a gold watch filling a hungry belly? or are they, haply, contemplating one bold dash through the frail sheet of glass—one hasty snatch at the watches, and rings, and bracelets—one desperate throw for luxury and riot at the best, or at the worst for the comfortable gaol, the warm convict's dress, and the snug cell with its hot-water pipes?
        Leaving Cheapside, the magnificent; avoiding the omnibuses in the Poultry as best we may; skirting the huge Mansion House, where a feeble gleam from an office on the basement suggests that Messrs. John and Daniel Forrester are yet wide awake, while the broad glare of light from the windows in Charlotte Row proclaims jolly civic festivities in the Egyptian Hall; striking through Cornhill, the wealthy; crossing Gracechurch Street, and suppressing a lingering inclination to take a stroll by the "Old Flower-pot," and older South Sea House, into old Bishopsgate Street, just to have a vagabond quarter-of-an hour or so of thought about Baring Brothers, Crosby Hall, Great St. Helen's, Sir Thomas More, and Mr. Ross the hairdresser:—Supposing this, I say, our party boldly invades Leadenhall Street. Opposite the India House I must stop for a moment, however. Is there not Billiter Street hard-by, with that never-dying smell of Cashmere shawls and opium chests about the sale-rooms? Is there not St. Mary Axe, redolent of Hebrew London? Is there not the great house itself, with all its mighty associations of Clive and Warren Hastings, Nuncomar, and Lally Tollendal, Plassy, Arcot, and Seringapatam—Sheridan, thundering in Westminster Hall on the case of the Begums and the mighty directors, with their millions of subjects, and their palaces in Belgravia and Tyburnia, who were once but poor hucksters and chapmen of Trichonopoly chains and indigo balls—mere buyers and sellers of rice, sugar, and pepper? But my companions are impatient, and, dropping a hasty tear to the memory of Mr. Toole, the great toastmaster and beadle—(dost thou remember him, Eugenio, in that magnificent cocked hat and scarlet coat?)—we leave Leadenhall Street the broad for Leadenhall Street the narrow; and where the tortuous Fenchurch Street also converges, emerge into the open space by Aldgate pump. We have no time to dilate on the antiquity of the pump. A hundred yards to the left, and here we are, not absolutely in Whitechapel itself, but at the entrance of that peculiar and characteristic district, which I take to be bounded by Mile-end gate on the east, and by the establishment of Messrs. Aaron and Son on the west.
        First, Aaron. Gas, splendour, wealth boundless and immeasurable, at a glance. Countless stories of gorgeous show-rooms laden to repletion with rich garments. Gas everywhere. Seven hundred burners, they whisper to me. The tailoring department; the haberdashery department; the hat, boots, shawl, outfitting, cutlery department. Hundreds of departments. Legions of "our young men" in irreproachable coats, and neckcloths void of reproach. Corinthian columns, enriched cornices, sculptured panels, arabesque ceilings, massive chandeliers, soft carpets of choice patterns, luxury, elegance, the riches of a world, the merchandise of two, everything that anybody ever could want, from a tin shaving-pot to a cashmere shawl. Astonishing cheapness—wonderful celerity—enchanting civility! Great is Aaron of the Minories! Of the Minories? of everywhere. He pervades Aldgate; he looms on Whitechapel; an aërial suspension bridge seems to connect his Minorial palace with his West End Branch. Aaron is everywhere. When I came from Weedon the other day, his retainers pelted me with his pamphlets as I quitted the railway station. Aaron has wrenched the lyre and the bays from our laureate's hands; he and his son are the monarchs of Parnassus. His circulars are thrown from balloons and fired out of cannon. I believe they must grow in market gardens somewhere out of town—they are so numerous. Of course, Aaron is a great public benefactor.
        Crossing the Minories, and keeping on the right-hand side of the road, we are in the very thick of "Butcher Bow" at once. A city of meat! The gas, no longer gleaming through ground-glass globes, or aided by polished reflectors, but flaring from primitive tubes, lights up a long vista of beef, mutton, and veal. Legs, shoulders, loins, ribs, hearts, livers, kidneys, gleam in all the gaudy panoply of scarlet and white on every side. "Buy, buy, buy!" resounds shrilly through the greasy, tobacco-laden, gas-rarefied air. There are eloquent butchers, who rival Orator Henley in their encomiums on the legs and briskets they expose; insinuating butchers, who wheedle the softer sex into purchasing, with sly jokes and well-turned compliments; dignified butchers (mostly plethoric, double-chinned men, in top-boots, and doubtless wealthy), who seem to think that the mere appearance of their meat, and of themselves, is sufficient to ensure custom, and seldom condescend to mutter more than an occasional "Buy!" Then, there are bold butchers—vehement rogues, in stained frocks—who utter frantic shouts of "Buy, buy, buy!" ever and anon making a ferocious sally into the street, and seizing some unlucky wight, who buys a leg of mutton or a bullock's heart, nolens, volens!
        Bless the women! how they love marketing! Here they are by scores. Pretty faces, ugly faces, young and old, chaffering, simpering, and scolding vehemently. Now, it is the portly matron—housekeeper, may be, to some wealthy, retired old bachelor; she awes the boldest butcher, and makes even the dignified one incline in his top-boots. And here is the newly-married artisan's wife—a fresh, rosy-cheeked girl, delightfully ignorant of housekeeping, though delighted with its responsibilities—charmingly diffident as to what she shall buy, and placing implicit, and, it is to be hoped, not misplaced, confidence in the insinuating butcher, who could, I verily believe, persuade her that a pig's fry is a saddle of mutton. Poor thing! she is anxious to be at home and get Tom's supper ready for him; and as for Tom, the sooner he gets away from the public-house, where his wages are paid him every Saturday night, the better it will be for his wife and for him, too, I opine. There are but few male purchasers of butcher's meat. Stay, here is one—a little, rosy man, in deep black, and with a very big basket, and holding by the hand a little rosy girl, in black as deep. He is a widower, I dare say, and the little girl his daughter. How will it be, I wonder, with that couple, a dozen years hence? Will the little girl grow big enough to go to market by herself, while father smokes his pipe at home? or, will father marry again, and a shrewish stepmother ill-treat the girl, till she runs away and--Well, well! we have other matters beside Butcher Row to attend to. We can but spare a glance at that gaunt old man, with the bristly beard and the red eyelids, who is nervously fingering, while he endeavours to beat down the price of those sorry scraps of meat yonder. His history is plain enough to read, and is printed in three letters on his face. G.I.N.
        On the pavement of this Butcher Bow, we have another market, and a grand one too. Not confined, however, to the sale of any one particular article, but diversified in an eminent degree. Half-way over the curbstone and the gutter, is an apparently interminable line of "standings" and "pitches," consisting of trucks, barrows, baskets, and boards on tressels, laden with almost every imaginable kind of small merchandise. Oysters, vegetables, fruit, combs, prints in inverted umbrellas, ballads, cakes, sweet stuff, fried fish, artificial flowers,(!) chairs, brushes and brooms, soap, candles, crockery-ware, ironmongery, cheese, walking-sticks, looking-glasses, frying-pans, bibles, waste-paper, toys, nuts, and fire-wood. These form but a tithe of the contents of this Whitechapel Bezesteen. Each stall is illuminated, and each in its own peculiar manner. Some of the vendors are careless, and their lamps are but primitive, consisting of a rushlight stuck in a lump of clay, or a turnip cut in half. But there is a degree of luxury in not a few; "Holliday's lamps," green paper shades, "fishtail" burners, and, occasionally, camphine lamps, being freely exhibited. I don't think you could collect together, in any given place in Europe, a much queerer assortment than the sellers of the articles exposed, were it not the buyers thereof. Here are brawny costermongers by dozens, in the orthodox corduroys, fur caps, and "king's man" handkerchiefs. Lungs of leather have they, marvellous eloquence, also, in praising carrots, turnips, and red herrings. Here, too, are street mechanics, manufacturers of the articles they sell, and striving with might and main to sell them: and you will find very few, or rather, no Irish among this class. I see women among the street sellers, as I move along—some, poor widow souls—some, who have grown old in street trading—some, little puny tottering things, sobbing and shivering as they sell. The buyers are of all descriptions, from the middle to the very lowest class, inclusive. Buddy mechanics, with their wives on their arms, and some sallow and shabby, reeling to and from the gin-shops. Decent married women, and comely servant girls, with latch-keys and market-baskets. Beggars, by dozens. Slatternly, frowsy, drabs of women, wrangling with wrinkled crones, and bating down the price of a bunch of carrots fiercely. Blackguard boys, with painted faces, tumbling head over heels in the mud. Bulky costers, whose day's work is over, or who do not care to work at all. Grimy dustmen, newly emancipated from the laystall. The bare-headed, or battered-bonneted members of the class called (and truly) unfortunate, haunt the other side of the road. There is too much light and noise here for them.
        But the noise! the yelling, screeching, howling, swearing, laughing, fighting saturnalia; the combination of commerce, fun, frolic, cheating, almsgiving, thieving, and devilry; the Geneva-laden tobacco-charged atmosphere! The thieves, now pursuing their vocation, by boldly snatching joints of meat from the hooks, or articles from the stalls; now, peacefully, basket in hand, making their Saturday night's marketing (for even thieves must eat). The short pipes, the thick sticks, the mildewed umbrellas, the dirty faces, the ragged coats! Let us turn into the gin-shop here, for a moment.
        It is a remarkably lofty, though not very spacious, edifice—the area, both before and behind the bar, being somewhat narrow. There are enormous tubs of gin, marked with an almost fabulous number of gallons each; and there are composite columns, and mirrors, and handsome clocks, and ormolu candelabra, in the approved Seven Dials style. But the company are different. They have not the steady, methodical, dram-drinking system of the Seven Dials, Drury Lane, and Holborn gin-shop habitués; the tremulous deposition of the required three-halfpence; the slow, measured, draining of the glass; the smack of the lips, and quick passing of the hand over the mouth, followed by the speedy exit of the regular dram-drinker, who takes his "drain" and is off, even if he is in again in a short time. These Whitechapel gin-drinkers brawl and screech horribly. Blows are freely exchanged, and sometimes pewter measures fly through the air like Shrapnel shells. The stuff itself, which in the western gin-shops goes generally by the name of "blue ruin" or "short," is here called, indifferently, "tape," "max," "duke," "gatter," and "jacky." Two more peculiarities I observe also. One is, that there are no spruce barmaids, or smiling landladies—stalwart men in white aprons supply their place. The second is, that there are a multiplicity of doors, many more than would at first seem necessary, and for ever on the swing; but the utility of which is speedily demonstrated to me by the simultaneous ejection of three "obstropelous" Irish labourers, by three of the stalwart barmen.
        The trucks and barrows, the fried fish and artificial flowers, are not quite so abundant when we have passed a thoroughfare called Somerset Street. They get even more scarce when we see, on the other side of the road, two stone posts, or obelisks on a small scale, marking at once the boundaries of the City, and the commencement of that renowned thoroughfare, politely called Middlesex Street, but known to Europe in general, and the nobility and gentry connected with the trade in old clothes in particular, as Petticoat Lane. It is no use going down there this Saturday, for the Hebrew community, who form its chief delight and ornament, are all enjoying their "shobbhouse," and we shall meet with them elsewhere. We will, if you please, cross over, leaving the curbstone market (which only exists on one side), and, allured by the notes of an execrably played fiddle, enter one of those dazzling halls of delight, called a "penny gaff."
        The "gaff" throws out no plausible puffs, no mendacious placards, respecting the entertainment to be found therein. The public take the genuineness of the "gaff" for granted, and enter by dozens. The "gaff" has been a shop—a simple shop—with a back parlour to it, and has been converted into a hall of delight, by the very simple process of knocking out the shop front, and knocking down the partition between the shop and parlour. The gas-fittings yet remain, and even the original counters, which are converted into "reserved seats," on which, for the outlay of twopence, as many costers, thieves, Jew-boys, and young ladies, as can fight for a place, are sitting, standing, or lounging. For the common herd—the οι πολλοι—the conditio vivendi is simply the payment of one penny, for which they get standing rooms in what are somewhat vaguely termed the "stalls,"—plainly speaking, the body of the shop. The proscenium is marked by two gas "battens" or pipes, perforated with holes for burners, traversing the room horizontally, above and below. There are some monstrous engravings, in vile frames, suspended from the walls, some vilely coloured plaster casts, and a stuffed monstrosity or two in glass cases. The place is abominably dirty, and the odour of the company generally, and of the shag tobacco they are smoking, is powerful.
        A capital house though, to-night: a bumper, indeed. Such a bumper, in fact, that they have been obliged to place benches on the stage (two planks on tressels), on which some of the candidates for the reserved seats are accommodated. As I enter, a gentleman in a fustian suit deliberately walks across the stage and lights his pipe at the footlights; while a neighbour of mine, of the Jewish persuasion, who smells fearfully of fried fish, dexterously throws a cotton handkerchief, containing some savoury condiment from the stalls to the reserved seats, where it is caught by a lady whom he addresses by the title of "Bermondsey Bet." Bet is, perhaps, a stranger in these parts, and my Hebrew friend wishes to show her what Whitechapel can assert its character for hospitality.
        Silence for the manager, if you please!—who comes forward with an elaborate bow, and a white hat in his hand, to address the audience. A slight disturbance has occurred, it appears, in the course of the evening; the Impresario complains bitterly of the "mackinnations" of certain parties "next door," who seek to injure him by creating an uproar, after he has gone to the expense of engaging "four good actors" for the express amusement of the British public. The "next door" parties are, it would seem, the proprietors of an adjacent public-house, who have sought to seduce away the supporters of the "gaff" by vaunting the superior qualities of their cream gin, a cuckoo clock, and the "largest cheroots in the world for a penny."
        Order is restored, and the performances commence. "Mr. and Mrs. Stitcher," a buffo duet of exquisite comicality, is announced. Mr. Stitcher is a tailor, attired in the recognised costume of a tailor on the stage, though, I must confess, I never saw it off. He has nankeen pantaloons, a red nightcap—a redder nose, and a cravat with enormous bows. Mrs. Stitcher is "made up" to represent a slatternly shrew, and she looks it all over. They sing a verse apiece; they sing a verse together; they quarrel, fight, and make it up again. The audience are delighted. Mr. S. reproaches Mrs. S. with the possession of a private gin-bottle; Mrs. S. inveighs against the hideous turpitude of Mr. S. for pawning three pillow-cases to purchase beer. The audience are in ecstacies. A sturdy coalheaver in the "stalls" slaps his thigh with delight. It is so real. Ugh! terribly real; let us come away, even though murmurs run through the stalls that "The Baker's Shop" is to be sung. I see, as we edge away to the door, a young lady in a cotton velvet spencer, bare arms, and a short white calico skirt, advance to the footlights. I suppose she is the Fornarina, who is to enchant the dilettanti with the flowery song in question.
        We are still in Whitechapel High Street; but in a wider part. The curbstone market has ceased; and the head quarters of commerce are in the shops. Wonderful shops, these! Grocers, who dazzle their customers with marvellous Chinese paintings, and surmount the elaborate vessels (Properties for a Pantomime) containing their teas and sugars with startling acrostics—pungent conundrums. Is it in imagination only, or in reality, that I see, perched above these groceries, an imp—a fantastic imp, whose head-dress is shaped like a retort, who has a lancet in his girdle, and on whose brow is written "Analysis?"—that, when I read the placards relative to "Fine young Hyson," "Well-flavoured Pekoe," "Strong family Souchong," "Imperial Gunpowder," this imp, putting his thumb to his nose, and spreading his lingers out demoniacally, whispers, "Sloe-leaves, China-clay, Prussian blue, yellow ochre, gum, tragacanth, garbage, poison?"—that, pointing to Muscovado, and "Fine West India," and "superfine lump," he mutters "Sand, chalk, poison?"—that when I talk of cocoa, he screams, "Venetian Red, and desiccated manure?"—that, when I allude to coffee, mocking gibes of burnt beans, chicory, poison?—that he dances from the grocer's to the baker's, next door, and executes maniacal ganibadoes on the quartern loaves and French rolls, uttering yells about chalk, alum, and dead men's bones?—that he draws chalk and horses' brains from the dairyman's milk; and horse¬flesh, and worse offal still, from sausages?—that he shows me everywhere fraud, adulteration and poison! Avaunt, imp! I begin to think that there is nothing real in the eating and drinking line—that nothing is but what is not—that all beer is cocculus Indicus—all gin, turpentine, in this delusive Whitechapel. And not in Whitechapel alone. Art thou immaculate, Shoreditch? Art thou blameless, Borough? Canst thou place thy hand on thy waistcoat, Oxford Street, the aristocratic, and say thy tea knows no "facing or glazing," thy sugar no potato starch, thy beer no doctoring?
        But one of my friends is clamorous for beer; and, to avoid adulteration, we eschew the delusive main thoroughfare for a moment, and strike into a maze of little, unsavoury back-streets, between Whitechapel Church and Goodman's Fields. Here is a beer-shop—a little, blinking, wall-eyed edifice, with red curtains in the window, and a bar squeezed up in one corner, as though it were ashamed of itself. From the door of the tap-room which we open, comes forth a thick, compact body of smoke. There are, perhaps, twenty people in the room, and they are all smoking like limekilns. From a kiln at the upper extremity, comes forth the well-remembered notes of the old trink-lied, "Am Rhein, am Rhein." We are in Vaterland at once. All these are Teutons—German sugar-bakers. There are hundreds more of their countrymen in the narrow streets about here, and dozens of low lodging-houses, where the German emigrants are crimped and boarded and robbed. Here, also, live the German buy-a-broom girls. There are little German public-houses, and German bakers, and little shops, where you can get sauerkraut and potato-salad, just as though you were in Frankfort or Mayence. Dear old Vaterland! pleasant country of four meals a-day, and featherbed counterpanes—agreeable land, where you can drink wine in the morning, and where everybody takes off his hat to everybody else! Though thy cookery is execrable, and thy innkeepers are robbers, I love thee, Germany, still!
        My experienced friend, when we have refreshed ourselves at this hostelry, brings us, by a short cut, into Union Street, and so into the broad Whitechapel-road. Here the curbstone market I have alluded to, crosses the road itself, and stretches, in a straggling, limping sort of way, up to Whitechapel Workhouse. We come here upon another phase of Saturday-night Whitechapel life. The children of Jewry begin to encompass us, not so much in the way of business; for though their Sabbath is over, and work is legal—though Aaron, at the other extremity, is in full swing of money-making activity, yet the majority of the Israelites prefer amusing themselves on a Saturday night. They are peculiar in their amusements, as in everything else. The public-house—the mere bar, at least, has no charms for them; but almost all the low coffee-shops you pass are crowded with young Jews, playing dominoes and draughts; while in the publics, where taprooms are attached, their elders disport themselves with cards, bagatelle, and the excitement of a sing-song meeting. Smoking is universal. Cigars the rule—pipes the exception. Houndsditch, the Minories, Leman Street, Duke's Place, St. Mary Axe, Bevis Marks, and Whitechapel itself, have all contributed their quota to fill these places of amusement; and here and there you will see some venerable Israelite, with long beard and strange foreign garb, probably from Tangier or Constantinople, on a visit to his brethren in England. There are legends, too, of obscure places in this vicinity, where what the French call "gros jeu," or high play, is carried on. In Butcher Row, likewise, are Jew butchers, where you may see little leaden seals, inscribed with Hebrew characters, appended to the meat, denoting that the animal has been slaughtered according to the directions of the Synagogue. In the daytime you may see long-bearded rabbins examining the meat, and testing the knives on their nails.
        What have we here? "The grand Panorama of Australia, a series of moving pictures." Admission, one penny. Just a-going to begin. Some individuals, dressed as Ethiopian serenaders, hang about the door; and one with the largest shirt-collar I have ever seen, takes my penny, and admits me, with some score or two more, where, though it is just a-going to begin, I and my friends wait a good quarter of an hour. There are two policemen off duty beside me, who are indulging in the dolce far niente, and cracking nuts. There is a decent, civil-spoken silk-weaver from Spitalfields, too, whose ancestors, he tells me, came over to England at the time of the revocation of the Edict of Nantes, and who has a romantically French name. He has the old Lyons indentures of his ancestors at home, he says.
        We give up the panorama in despair; and, for aught we know, it is "jest a-going to begin" at this moment. In our progress towards the Gate, however, we look in at a few more public-houses. Here is a costermonger's house, where the very trucks and baskets are brought to the bar. Here is that famous hostelry, where is preserved an oil-painting, containing authentic portraits of the three Whitechapel worthies, who once drank one hundred-and-one pots of beer at one sitting. The name of the captain of this gallant band was "Old Fish." Here, again, is a thieves' house—thievish all over, from the squint-eyed landlord to the ruffianly customers. Go in at one door, and go out at another; and don't change more five pound notes at the bar than you can help, my friend. Here are houses with queer signs—the "Grave Maurice," supposed to be a corruption of some dead-and-gone German Landgrave, and "The Blind Beggar," close to Mile End Gate.
        Another "gaff" on the right-hand side of the road—but on a grander scale. The Effingham Saloon, with real boxes, a real pit, and a real gallery; dreadfully dirty, and with a dirtier audience. No comic singing, but the drama—the real, legitimate drama. There is a bold bandit, in buff-boots, calling on "yon blew Ev'n to bring-a down-a rewing on ther taraytor's ed." There is nothing new in him, nor in the young lady in pink calico, with her back hair down, expressive of affliction. Nor in the Pavilion Theatre over the way, where "Rugantino the Terrible " is the stock piece, and where there are more buff-boots, rusty broad-swords, calico-skirts, and back hairs.
        Shops, Gin-palaces, Saloons—Saloons, Gin-palaces, Shops; Costermongers, Thieves, and Beggars—Beggars, Thieves, and Costermongers. As we near the Gate, the London Hospital looms heavily on one side, while on the other the bare, bleak walls of Whitechapel Workhouse stretch grimly along, with a woful skirting-board of crouching Irish paupers, who have arrived too late for admission into the Workhouse, and are houseless for the night.
        Going along, and still anxious to see what is to be seen, I look, curiously, at the portraits hanging on the walls of the coffee-houses and bar-parlours. The democratic element is not very strong in Whitechapel, it would seem; for the effigies of Her Majesty and Prince Albert are as a hundred to one of the effigies of the Cuffies and Meaghers of the sword. One portrait, though, I see everywhere; its multiplications beating all royal noble, and democratic portraits hollow, and far outnumbering the Dog Billies, and winners of memorable Derbys. In tavern and taproom, in shop and parlour, I see everywhere the portrait or the bust of Sir Robert Peel.
        Mile End Gate at last, and midnight chimes. There is a "cheap-jack," on a rickety platform, and vaunting wares more rickety still, who gets vehemently eloquent as it gets later. But his auditory gradually disperse, and the whole road seems to grow suddenly quiet. Do you know why? The public-houses are closed. The pie-shops, it is true, yet send forth savoury steams; but the rain comes down heavily. Therefore; and as I (and I fear you, too, dear reader) have had enough of Whitechapel for one while; let us jump into this last omnibus bound westwards, reflecting that if we have not discovered the North West Passage, or the source of the Niger, we have beheld a strange country, and some strange phases of life.

The Recruit and the Invalid

A Sketch of Military Life.
by Timothy Clodpole.

Originally published in Howitt's Journal (William Lovett) vol.2 #44 (30 Oct 1847).


        The Town of Chatham, in Kent, is one of the greatest military depots of the kingdom, from whence the different regiments on foreign service are recruited; the places of those who have fallen victims to disease, intemperance, and the foeman's sword, are supplied by fresh human beings, in their turns to suffer, and, most likely, to perish.
        To this, "manufactory of the raw material," as it has been facetiously denominated,—this place of preparation for the "animals" destined to slaughter—this workshop where the "mechanics" intended for the business of destruction are drilled and made perfect, parties of fine, active young men, varying in number from eight or ten, to fifty or sixty, are daily arriving from the different parts of the country. The traffic in human souls goes on briskly, and it is no uncommon sight, especially when Death has been reaping plentiful harvests on the colonial battle-fields, or the pestilential fevers of foreign climes have made greater demands than usual on the troops exposed to their baleful influence, to behold three or four such parties of recruits enter the town in the course of a single day, and often have I paused with a mournful interest to notice the manners and appearance of many of these individuals, who have sold themselves, body and soul, to a service, in most cases as destructive to the one as the other. Here, with ragged habiliments, and a brimless hat set jauntily on one side of his head, and countenance flushed and swollen with the unmistakeabie signs of intemperance, swaggers along the undutiful son, the false lover, the frequenter of the skittle-ground, and the tap-room, young in years, but old in vice, and debauchery: there, with dejected air, and downcast looks, as though ashamed of his company, walks one, whose threadbare, yet decent, clothing, and pinched-up features tell a tale of poverty and suffering, of disappointment and sorrow. An air of recklessness and profligacy, however, distinguish by far the larger portion of these aspirants to military glory, most of whom are youths, deluded by the tinsel trappings of the recruiting sergeant, and his lying tales of—

                "Lots of pay, and quick promotion,
                 And a soldier's merry life."

        But few of them have reached the age at which the law declares a man capable of judging and acting for himself, and yet here they are, bound, or about to be bound, by an oath, taken, in most cases, under the influence of mistaken impressions, to a life-long servitude of toil, and privation, and hardship—a trade of butchery and death. Life-long is the term here used, because it is so in effect, for although the regulations say that the man may claim his discharge at the end of twelve years, yet it is with the proviso that the exigencies of the service no longer require him, and after that period, if he should survive, it is with enfeebled constitution, and habits which unfit him for useful occupation, or social and domestic duties and enjoyments[1].
        Let us now trace the history of one of these deluded youths, passing, as they suppose, along the road which leads to fame and fortune. See where he walks, stepping proudly to the fancied measure of a triumphal march, with the parti-coloured ribbons streaming from his hat. His flushed cheeks, and sparkling eyes, tell of the excitement within, which makes his heart swell, and his pulse beat more quickly than is their wont. He burns to enact the hero, and do some deed of desperate valour, which shall entitle him to the gratitude of his countrymen, and that high position in the army, which the wily sergeant has assured him he will one day attain. Now he has health, and strength, and vigour of mind and body, his hopes are high, his resolves great, his anticipations bright and dazzling! By and by we shall see the reverse of this picture: here we have THE RECRUIT, fresh from the home of his childhood, and the watchful care of his parents, who endeavoured to train him up to a life of piety and virtue, and who, while wondering at his prolonged absence from their humble roof, whence he had gone to the neighbouring market town, little thought of the compact into which he had been entrapped, to "serve his king and country," and of the heavy affliction which hung like a thunder cloud, over their heads.
        Naturally of a sanguine and ambitious temperament, William Woodbridge, our hero, a youth of eighteen, whose well-knit frame and air of eager attention had attracted the notice of the recruiting-sergeant, was led away by that worthy functionary's specious representations of certain honour and preferment, took the proffered shilling, and joined the motley troop that he had collected from various quarters, and was then conducting to the depot at Chatham.
        We will pass over the anguish and distress with which the parents heard of their son's enlistment. We will pass over, also, the worthy couple's exertions and sacrifices to raise the sum necessary to purchase his discharge, and the prayers and entreaties with which, after traversing on foot the weary miles between his late and present places of abode, they endeavoured to prevail on him to accompany them back to that peaceful home, which, without him, their only child, appeared so gloomy and desolate. Let it suffice that the youth, naturally warm hearted and affectionate, though deeply grieved at their sorrow, had too much pride and self-will to confess his error, and abandon his imagined career of glory. The unhappy parents therefore went sadly home again to weep and lament, and weary heaven with prayers, for the safety and restoration of their still beloved though undutiful child.
        We will fancy Woodbridge duly examined by the surgeon—a process, by the way, which rather disgusted him, and wounded his self-respect:—cropped by the the barber—another operation to which he submitted somewhat unwillingly, but which he found necessary to constitute him a true son of glory;—and decked in the livery of war. He thought that the materials of his brick-dust coloured coat, and dark grey trouseis, might have been finer, and that greater pains might have been taken to fit them to his shapely frame. His dress altogether was neither so comfortable, nor anything like so rich in appearance, as he had expected to assume, and he expressed his disappointment on this head to his friend, the sergeant, who, with a meaning smile to a brother noncom.[2], which the recruit could not, at the time, understand, told him he was but a grub chrysalis then, and would by and by emerge into the full splendour of the butterfly state.
        In the crowded barrack-room, where this scene had occurred, all was noise and confusion; oaths and blasphemous expressions were loud on every side, and his soul sickened at the atmosphere of moral corruption which he had now begun to breathe. His refusal to join in the obscene jests and foul conversation carried on around him was attributed to pride; and the "gentleman recruit," as he was called in mockery, began already to be looked upon with dislike by the majority of his comrades, who envied his manifest superiority, and would fain see him as morally debased and degraded as themselves. "Never mind," said Dick Smith, one of the most profligate and hardened of their number, as William left the barrack-room in disgust, to stroll forth into the town—"never mind; let him alone, and see if he does not become like one of us. Many a youngster have I known in my time, who came into the service as gentle and innocent as a turtle dove, but never a one have I seen remain so long. Why, I used to read the Bible myself once, and say my prayers, and do all that sort of thing; and as to an oath, it seemed as if it would choke me; now they come out freely enough; prayers I leave to children, and women, and the garrison chaplain, and as to the Bible which my poor old mother gave me—rest her soul! what would she think of me now?—I have n't looked into it this many a year. Let him alone; he's taken the shilling, sworn to be a soldier, and must think, and feel, and act as we do, by and by.
        Was Dick a true prophet?—But we will not anticipate. We left our hero taking a stroll in the streets of Chatham; it was evening, the third evening after his arrival. He was alone, without a friend or companion, a sort of reaction was beginning to take place in his feelings; he felt sick at heart, and half inclined to repent the rash step he had taken. His thoughts reverted to his parents, and to the peaceful scenes of his childhood, with a yearning fondness. He noticed not the shop windows, nor the tempting array of wares exposed for sale; he heard not the rattle of the carriages, nor the oaths and blasphemous expressions of the drunken soldiers and sailors who thronged the streets, nor the mocking cries of—"Heads up, crutie!—Eyes right, young lobster!"—by which he was every now and then greeted, as they reeled past. In this state of mind he was unaware that he was followed by that same Dick Smith, who, unknown to himself, had predicted the speedy overthrow of his virtuous principles and resolves, and who also was very much disposed to aid in the same.
        "You seem down-hearted, Woodbridge," said the older soldier, overtaking him; what's the matter, my boy? Sorry to part with the old people? Well, that's all very natural; only you mustn't fret too much about it. Shake off dull care, as the song says, and be merry, like the rest of us. Come, just step in here with me, and we'll have a glass of something to cheer our spirits, for I feel a little dullish myself this evening."
        With these deceitful words he led the way down the long sanded passage of a low public-house, and into a little Side room, the only occupants of which were two or three degraded and unfortunate females, that abound more especially in all garrison and seaport towns: these Smith introduced to the recruit as "two ladies who would be proud to make his acquaintance." Woodbridge, who was unsuspicious of evil, thought them agreeable sort of persons, the more especially as they took care not to disgust or alarm him by too gross or familiar a manner and conversation, having been warned on this head. After a couple of glasses of spirits and water, ordered by the elder, and paid for, of course, by the younger soldier, they sallied forth to take a walk round "the Lines," as the ground adjoining the Chatham fortifications is called. During this evening ramble the young recruit found the fair lady who had attached herself more particularly to him so very agreeable that he devoted to her all his thoughts; and never did a greater discord jar upon his ear than when the sprightly fifes and rattling drums give the signal for the men to return to their quarters. After a parting glass, and an appointment to meet again the next evening, they parted, and thus was thrown around the unsuspecting youth the first coil of the net that was to drag him down to shame and destruction.
        The recruit awoke the next morning at the sound of the reveillé, with a slight headache, and a feeling somewhat akin to remorse; but he was within the snare, and retreat from its perils under his circumstances was as difficult, as next to impossible, as retreat from the lines of battle.
        It will not be necessary to enter into all the sickening details of our hero's progress through the several stages and degrees of vice; let it suffice that in little more than two months the progress of initiation was complete, and that he had learnt to swear, and blaspheme, and drink, and wallow in the mire of corruption with the best, or rather the worst, of his dissolute companions. His was the common case. Few can resist the demoralizing influence of bad example, especially at that age of unsettled principles at which the young recruit is exposed to all the temptations and allurements of vice, too generally without any warning of the dangers he is about to encounter or encouragement to resist them. So that he is obedient to orders, and attentive to his drill, and other duties, and strives to become what is termed "a smart soldier," it is a matter of little consequence how depraved his habits, or benighted his mind may be:—Mind? a soldier's mind? They do not recognize the existence of such a thing at "the Horse Guards." True, they appoint chaplains, sound, orthodox men, no doubt; younger sons of noble families, and the like, who must be provided for—to perform the regular services of the church, consecrate the colours, and do all that sort of thing. True, they appoint, or sanction the appointment, of schoolmasters just for decency's sake; but these have only to do with the children—the born bond-slaves of the great Moloch, whose hand is red with the sacrifice of millions. As for those who, when grown up, enter into a compact with the grim destroyer of souls and bodies, the schoolmaster has nothing to do with them, and the chaplain but very little—nothing, indeed, individually. Every Sunday they march to church, to hear the triumphing and exulting music of the band, decked in the trappings of pride and earthly glory, to hear the glad tidings of salvation, and to be told that meekness, and humility, and forgiveness of injuries, and dependence, not in human strength, not in carnal weapons, but in God alone, are the marks and qualifications of the true christian; in short to hear preached what they dare not practice for their lives. But let us proceed with our story.
        Being a smart, active young man, Woodbridge soon got out of "the awkward squad;" not, however, before he was heartily tired of making mill-sweeps of his arms, and compasses of his legs, and turning his eyes right and left at the word of command, and "standing at ease" in a most uneasy position. Having joined a regiment under orders for foreign service, he looked impatiently for the day of embarkation as the commencement of his career of honour and promotion. But months passed on, and still the head quarters of the —th remained at Chatham, and still the recruit plunged deeper and deeper into the excesses and dissipations of a garrison life.
        "Did I not say," said the prophesying Dick Smith, who had taken considerable pains to bring about the fulfilment of his predictions—"Did I not say that he would soon be like the rest of us? Talk about bringing up in the right way, and giving the mind the proper bias, and all that: what's the use of it, if the man's to go for a soldier? We're all tarred with the same brush here—must be alike—must be uniform, same as our coats are, else of what service are we? And as to 'nice notions about religion;' why the sooner we get rid of them the better, for hasn't our great commander-in-chief said, the man that has these isn't fit for a soldier? of course he has, and said rightly too, 'The worse men, the better sold'ers,' was Buonaparte's motto, and blest if I don't think our young friend Woodbridge is likely to prove himself the very best in the army, according to this rule."
        Six months have passed away since William Woodbridge took the fatal shilling, and now he has got the single stripe on his arm which marks him for promotion. He has naturally good abilities, improved by an education superior to that of most of those who fill the ranks of the British army, a vigorous constitution, and a frame well knit and sinewy; so that he possesses the mental and physical qualifications necessary for rising in "the noble profession of arms." And no doubt he will rise, if—oh, that if!—he can but restrain that propensity for drink, which even in this short space of time, has grown upon him, and become so strong a habit, and inclination, that it threatens to render him its complete slave.
        Another month has passed, and Corporal Woodbridge, with the regiment to which he belongs, is under orders for speedy embarkation. Several days, however, must elapse before the transports will be at Gravesend ready to take their living freight, and William asks for, and obtains, a forty-eight hours leave of absence, to go and bid farewell to his parents. We will not describe his journey, nor the parting scene; it is sufficient to state that the young man returned to Chatham in the evening of the second day, determined, as he said, "to make a night of it," for he had not to appear in barracks until after the breakfast parade.
        That night there was a quarrel and a row in one of those infamous public-houses, from whence the sounds of the fiddle, with all the accompaniments of drunken revelry, may be generally heard; and a female was struck dead by the hand of a man, and that man was said to be Corporal Woodbridge, although he strongly denied it; and so much confusion and uproar prevailed at the time, that no one could positively swear that it was he who gave the fatal blow: nevertheless he was committed to take his trial at the next assizes, and was therefore, of course, unable to accompany his regiment abroad.
        For two months he occupied the felons' cell, and then, being acquitted for want of sufficient evidence, was sent back to barracks, and tried by a court-martial for being absent without leave. The stripes were taken from his arm, and he was again private Woodbridge, with the brand of imputed murder upon his name, and the stigma of drunkenness upon his character, the first of which caused him to be shunned by all but the most hardened and vicious of his fellow soldiers, while the latter rendered him an object of distrust and dislike to his officers.
        We will not dwell at any great length upon the remainder of our hero's career; henceforth he was a doomed man; there was no return for him to the paths of innocence and good repute. Whether he really did or did not commit the dreadful crime of which he was accused, we cannot say. but certain it is that a settled gloom took possession of his countenance, and a sense like that of conscious guilt seemed weighing him down. From being the most boisterous and merry in the barrack, or tap-room, he became the most silent and melancholy; in his fits of drunkenness, which were now more frequent than ever (for he took every opportunity of drowning his consciousness in drink) he grew absolutely ferocious, and it was only by force that he was prevented at such times from doing some mischief to himself or those around him. He was again imprisoned, and twice subjected to the brutal and brutalizing punishment of the cat for selling his necessaries to procure liquor, and committing other offences against subordination and good discipline.
        But these were not the means to-effect improvement; harsh treatment and lashes never yet made a bad man better. "Severity is not the way to govern men or brutes," said the great Lord Mansfield, and the wisdom and policy of this maxim is now, we would hope, beginning to be understood, even in the army.
        It may, however, be said that I am arguing against myself, and refuting my own theory, when I tell the reader that, after his second flogging, there was a marked alteration for the better in the conduct of Woodbridge; he became more attentive to his duties, more careful of his clothes and accoutrements; was seldom seen intoxicated, and shunned the company of the drunkards and debauchees with whom he had of late principally associated.
        "Flogging has done wonders for that man," observed the captain of his company to the garrison adjutant one day at mess; "we must try it with some more of them; I never saw so good an effect produced by any punishment before;" and henceforth the lash was more frequently used at Chatham, than it had been for many years past. But could they have looked beneath the surface, and seen what was the inward change produced by this reformatory process, they would surely have abandoned it altogether, or, at least, have used it much more sparingly. They had changed a man—brutalized and degraded, no doubt, by the vices into which, for want of care and superintendence, he had fallen, yet still a man, with some of the finer feelings and more generous impulses of humanity within him,—into a demon, resolved to accomplish all the mischief he could, and to drag as many of his fellow-creatures as possible down to his own level. He thirsted for revenge, and took a fiendish pleasure in believing that he should be able to repay with usury the debt of wrongs and injuries which had, as he thought—and, to a certain extent, thought rightly—been inflicted on him by his officers, and comrades, and society at large; and, as a means to that end, he, by the influence of a powerful will over his bad habits and inclinations, conquered them so far as to appear reformed. He took good care to foster the delusion that it was the flogging that had wrought such wonders for him, and hailed with inward satisfaction the growing frequency of punishment, consequent upon this notion; while to the sufferers under it he spoke of the injustice and cruelty of the infliction, and of a time for revenge. In short he had become an extremely dangerous man, and the more so for being trusted and considered a repentant one.
        After remaining three months longer at Chatham, making up the term of his service to a year, he was sent with a convict guard to New South Wales, en route to join his regiment in India; his rank of corporal was restored to him, and a promise given of recommendation for further promotion, should his conduct merit it. The communication into which he was now brought with the worst offenders against the laws of God and man completed his education in crime; and when, after the usual routine of service, he joined his regiment, he was, perhaps, one of the most finished villains of which the British army could boast. But, what of that?—he was a good soldier; had plenty of that bull-dog courage and daring which distinguishes the Englishman; and was troubled with no scruples or qualms of conscience, but was ever ready to do any devil's work which he might be set about. While secretly fomenting discontent amongst the men of his regiment, he openly preached the doctrine of blind, unquestioning obedience, that key-stone of the arch of military discipline.
        One incident will serve to illustrate his mode of working out what was now the great aim of his existence,—revenge, for his own fancied wrongs and injuries, upon whomsoever might come within his sphere of action. Dick Smith, now a sergeant, of the company to which Woodbridge belonged, had caused a private to be punished, for using towards him threatening and disrespectful language; this private was of a sullen, unforgiving disposition, and capable, when under the influence of drink, to which he was much addicted, of any act of desperation and crime. Woodbridge and Serjeant Smith had long since quarrelled, and our hero now made up his mind to be revenged. He, therefore, pretended great commiseration and sympathy with the private, and so wrought upon his evil nature as to induce him to take the life of the offending sergeant by shooting him on the parade ground one day, when the men were practising volley-firing, The perpetrator of the crime would most likely have remained undiscovered, for it was impossible to tell from which musket the ball came, had not Woodbridge pointed him out, and, with every mark of horror and reprobation of the deed, gave unquestionable proofs of his being the murderer. The poor man was hanged. Smith was buried with military honours, and Woodbridge, who was made sergeant in his place, led the funeral party.
        Years passed on, and the climate and the strong drink, in which our hero still indulged to a very great extent, made fearful ravages on his health and constitution; the effects of his early excesses, too, on account of which he had been twice in the hospital while at Chatham, began to be felt; and it was plain that the man was breaking up, and would not be much longer fit for active service.
        The war with the Sikhs broke out; his regiment was ordered to the Punjaub, and shared in all the glory, honour, and carnage of Moodkee Ferozeshah and Sobraon. Woodbridge escaped with the loss of the right arm, a severe gash over the left eye, and a bullet wound in the side, and was sent home, with many more of the maimed victims of legalised murder, to be examined and pensioned off, according to their hurts and length of servitude. Behold him now, after the medical board of Fort Pitt had been duly consulted, and decided on his claim for compensation; and after his arrears of pay have been handed over to him;—behold him now, we say, with the medal—the glorious reward and memento of bloody deeds—dangling by an inch of parti-coloured ribbon from his breast, and the empty sleeve, and the black bandage on the temple, which covers the eye, where sight is gone for ever; and the sullen cheeks, so sunken and hollow, and the emaciated limbs—a veteran soldier! How different to the comely youth, who, but twelve short years ago, stepped proudly along, full of ambitious dreams and aspiring thoughts!
        What a wreck of manly beauty, of power and energy, and perfect physical organisation; and still more a thousand times of the heart and the whole moral being, may be traced in the discharged soldier—the cast-off and broken-down INVALID! Look at him as he staggers through the streets; listen to his obscene and blasphemous language, broken and interrupted by the hollow cough and the hiccough of drunkenness! Mark the lurid light that flashes from his bloodshot eyes, and the ghastly hue of his embrowned visage? Is it not degrading to human nature to call such a creature a brother? And yet he is so; pity and compassion and Christian love yearn towards him, and would snatch him, as a brand, from the burning. Horror and detestation of the system which has reduced him to the deplorable condition, we may, and ought to entertain! and it is our bounden duty to raise a warning voice to the young and inexperienced man, who may listen to the words of the scarlet-coated tempter, to deter him from becoming a RECRUIT; lest, at no very distant period, he realise our truthfully-drawn picture of the INVALID,—those two stages which form the Alpha and Omega of military service, and between which such an amount of crime and misery are included.


        1. By a bill now in progress through Parliament, the period of enlistment is altered to ten years, with a discretionary power in the commanding officer of retention for two years longer. This is somewhat better.
        2. A common abbreviation for a non-commissioned officer.

Efforts of a Gentleman in Search of Despair

by William Blanchard Jerrold (uncredited).

Originally published in Household Words (Bradbury & Evans) vol.2 #42 (11 Jan 1851).


        Mr. Blackbrook lived in a world of his own. It was his pleasure to believe that men were phantoms of a day. For life he had the utmost contempt. He pronounced it to be a breath, a sigh, a fleeting shadow. His perpetual theme was, that we are only here for a brief space of time. He likened the uncertainty of existence to all the most frightful ventures he could conjure up. He informed timid ladies that they were perpetually on the edge of a yawning abyss; and warned little boys that their laughter might be turned to tears and lamentation, at the shortest notice. Mr. Blackbrook was a welcome guest in a large serious circle. From his youth he had shown a poetic leaning, of the most serious order. His muse was always in deep mourning—his poetic gum oozed only from his favourite graveyard.
        He thought "L'Allegro" Milton's worst performance; and declared that Gray's "Elegy in a Country Churchyard" was too light and frivolous. His life was not without its cares; but, then, he revelled in his misfortunes. He was always prepossessed with a man who wore a hatband. The owl was his favourite bird. A black cat was the only feline specimen he would admit to his sombre apartment; and his garden was stocked with yew-trees. He revelled in the charm of melancholy—he would not, if he could, be gay. His meditations raised him so great a height above his family, that little sympathy could exist between them. Eternity so engaged him, that his brothers and sisters—mere phantoms—did not cost him much consideration. His youthful Lines to the Owl, in the course of which he called the bird in question "a solemn messenger," "a dread image of the moral darkness which surrounds us," "a welcome voice," and "a mysterious visitant," indicated the peculiar turn of his mind. His determination to be miserable was nothing short of heroic. In his twenty-second year a relation left him a modest fortune. His friends flocked about him to congratulate him; but they found him in a state of seraphic sorrow, searching out a proper rhyme to the urn in which he had poetically deposited the ashes of his benefactor. On looking over the lines he had distilled from his prostrate heart, his friends, to their astonishment, discovered that he had alluded to the bequest in question in the most contemptuous strain:—

        Why leave to one thy velvet and thy dross,
        Whose wealth is boundless, and whose velvet's moss?

So ran his poetic commentary. His boundless wealth consisted of intellectual treasures exclusively, and the sweet declaration that moss was his velvet, was meant to convey to the reader the simplicity and Arcadian nature of his habits. The relation who had the assurance to leave him a fortune, was dragged remorselessly through fifty lines as a punishment for his temerity. Yet, in a fit of abstraction, Mr. Blackbrook hurried to Doctors' Commons to prove the will; hereby displaying his resignation to the horrible degree of comfort which the money assured to him. It was not for him, however, to forget that life was chequered with woe, that it was a vale of tears—a brief, trite, contemptible matter. The gaiety of his house and relations horrified him; they interfered, at every turn, with his melancholy mood. He sighed for the fate of Byron or Chatterton! Why was he doomed to have his three regular meals per diem; to lie, at night, upon a feather-bed, and the recognised layers of mattresses; to have a new coat when he wanted one; to have money continually in his pocket, and to be accepted when he made an offer of marriage? The fates were obviously against him. One of his sisters fell in love. How hopefully he watched the course of her passion! How fondly he lingered near, in the expectation—the happy expectation—of a lovers' quarrel. But his sister had a sweet disposition—a mouth made to distil the gentlest and most tender accents. The courtship progressed with unusual harmony on both sides. Only once did fortune appear to favour him. One evening, he observed that the lovers avoided each other, and parted coldly. Now was his opportunity; and in the still midnight, when all the members of his household were in bed, he took his seat in his chamber, and, by the midnight oil, threw his soul into some plaintive lines "On a Sister's Sorrow." He mourned for her in heart-breaking syllables; likened her lover to an adder in an angel's path; dwelt on her quiet grey eyes, her stately proportions, and her classic face. He doomed her to years of quiet despair, and saw her fickle admirer the gayest of the gay. He concluded with the consoling intelligence, that he would go hand in hand with her along the darkened passage to the grave. His sister, however, did not avail herself of this proffered companionship, but chose rather to be reconciled, and to marry her lover.
        Mr. Blackbrook found some consolation for this disappointment in the composition of an epithalamium of the most doleful character on the occasion of his sister's marriage, in the course of which he informed her that Jove's thunderbolts might be hurled at her husband's head at any period of the day; that we all must die; that the bride may be a widow on the morrow of her nuptials; and other equally cheerful truths. Yet at his sister's wedding-breakfast, Mr. Blackbrook coquetted with the choice parts of a chicken, and drowned his sorrow in a delectable jelly.
        When for a short time he was betrayed into the expression of any cheerful sentiment, if he ever allowed that it was a fine day, he quickly relapsed into congenial gloom, and discovered that there might be a thunderstorm within the next half-hour. His only comfort was in the reflection that his maternal uncle's family were consumptive. Here he anticipated a fine field for the exercise of his poetic gifts, and, accordingly, when his aunt was gathered to her forefathers, her dutiful nephew laid a sheet of blank paper upon his desk, and settled himself down to write "a Dirge." He began by attributing all the virtues to her—devoting about six lines to each separate virtue. Her person next engaged his attention, and he discovered, though none of her friends had ever remarked her surpassing loveliness, that her step was as the breath of the summer wind on flowers (certainly no gardener would have trusted her upon his box-borders); that she was fresh as Hebe (she always breakfasted in bed); that she had pearly teeth (her dentist has maliciously informed us that they were made of the very best ivory); and, finally, that her general deportment was most charming—so charming that Mr. Blackbrook never dared trust himself in her seductive presence. Having proceeded thus far with his melancholy duty, the poet ate a hearty supper of the heaviest cold pudding, and—we had almost written—went to bed—but we remember that Mr. Blackbrook always "retired to his solitary couch." He rose betimes on the following morning, looking most poetically pale. His dreams had been of woe, and darkness, and death; the pudding had had the desired effect. Again he placed himself at his desk, and having read over the prefatory lines which we have endeavoured to describe, he threw his fragrant curl from his marble forehead, and thought of the funeral pall, the darkened hall,—of grief acute, and the unstrung lute. He put his [aunt's sorrowing circle in every possible position of despair. He represented his surviving uncle as threatening to pass the serene portals of reason; he discovered that a dark tide rolled at the unhappy man's feet; that the sun itself would henceforth look dark to him; that he would never smile again; and that, in all probability, the shroud would soon enwrap his manly form. He next proceeded to describe minutely the pearly tears of his cousins, and the terrible darkness that had come over their bright young dreams. An affecting allusion to his own unfathomable grief on the occasion, was concluded by the hope that he might soon join his sainted aunt, though he had never taken the least trouble to pay her a visit while she lived in St. John's Wood. This touching dirge was printed upon mourning paper, and distributed among Mr. Blackbrook's friends. The death of an aunt was an affecting incident, but still it fell short of the brink of despair. Mr. Blackbrook's natural abiding-place was the edge of a precipice. His muse must be fed on heroic sorrows, hopeless agony, and other poetical condiments of the same serious nature. The course of modern life was too level for his impetuous spirit; but in the absence of that terrible condition to which he aspired, he caught at every incident that could nerve the pinion of his muse for grander flights. A dead fly, which he found crushed between the leaves of a book, furnished him with a theme for one of his tenderest compositions. He speculated upon the probable career of the fly,—opined that it had a little world of its own, a family, and a sense of the beautiful. This effusion met with such fervent praise, that he followed it up by "Thoughts on Cheese Dust," in which he dived into the mysteries of these animalculse, and calculated the myriads of lives that were sacrificed to give a momentary enjoyment to the "pampered palate of man." His attention was called, however, from these minor poetic considerations, to a matter approaching in its gravity to that heroic pitch of sorrow which he had sought so unsuccessfully hitherto.
        His cousin was drowned by the upsetting of a pleasure-boat. At such a calamity it was reasonable to despair—to refuse comfort—to leave his hair uncombed—to look constantly on the ground—to lose all appetite—to write flowing verse. Mr. Blackbrook entered upon his vocation with a full sense of its heroism. At least one hundred lines would be expected from him on so tremendous an occasion. The catastrophe was so poetical! The sea-weed might have been represented entangled in the golden tresses of the poor girl, had the accident happened only a little nearer the Nore; and the print of her fair form might have been faintly traced upon "the ribbed sea-sand." This was unfortunate. In reality the "melancholy occurrence" took place at Richmond. Mr. Blackbrook began by calling upon the willows of Richmond and its immediate vicinity to dip their tender branches in the stream in token of their grief. Mr. Blackbrook, felicitously remembering that Pope once lived not far from Richmond, next invoked that poet's shade, and begged the loan of his melodious rhythm. But the shade in question not answering to the summons, all that remained for the sorrowing poet to do was to take down his dictionary of rhymes, and tune his own lyre to its most mournful cadences. He set to work. He called the Thames a treacherous stream; he christened the wherry a bark; he declared that when the pleasure-party embarked at Richmond Bridge, Death, the lean fellow, was standing upon the beach with his weapon upraised. Asterisks described the death; and some of his friends declared this passage the best in the poem. He then went on to inform his readers that all was over; but by this expression the reader must not infer that the dirge was brought to a conclusion. By no means. Mr. Blackbrook had made up his mind that his state of despair required at least one hundred lines to give it adequate expression. He had devoted twenty to the death of a fly—surely, then, a female cousin deserved one hundred. This logical reflection spurred him on. He pulled down the blinds, and in a gloom that suited well with his forlorn state of mind, he began a picture of his condition. With the aid of his dictionary, having asserted that the shroud enwrapped a cousin's form, he reflected that he envied the place of the winding-sheet, and was jealous of the worms. He felt that he was warming into his subject. He tried to think of the condition in which the remains of his relative would speedily be; and having carefully referred to an eminent medical work as to the length of time which the human body requires to resolve itself into its original earth, (for he was precise in his statements,) he proceeded to describe, with heart-rending faithfulness, the various stages of this inevitable decay. That was true poetry. He declared that the worm would crawl upon those lips that the lover had fondly pressed, and that the hand which once touched the harp so magically was now motionless for ever. Having brought this tragic description to a conclusion, he proceeded to number the flowers that should spring from his cousin's grave, and to promise that

                        -- from year to year,
        Roses shall flourish, moistened by a tear.

This vow evidently eased his heart a little, and enabled him to conclude the poem in a more cheerful spirit. He wound up with the reflection, that care was the lot of humanity, and that it was his duty to bear his proportion of the common load with a patient though bruised spirit. He felt that to complete his poetic destiny he ought to wander, none knew whither, and to turn up only at most unseasonable hours, and in most solemn places. But unhappily he was informed that it was necessary he should remain on the spot for the proper management of his affairs. Fate would have it so. Why was he not allowed to pursue his destiny? He was one day mentally bewailing the even tenour of his way, when a few kind friends suggested that he should publish his effusions. At first he firmly refused. What was fame to him—a hopeless, despairing man on the brink of the grave! His friends, however, pressed him in the end into compliance; and in due time Mr. Blackbrook's "Life-Drops from the Heart" were offered to the public for the price of ten shillings—little more than one shilling per drop.
        An eminent critic wrote the following opinion of our friend and his poetry:—
        "We notice Mr. Blackbrook as the representative of a school—the Doleful School. He draws terrible pictures; but what are his materials? He does not write from the heart, inasmuch as, if he really felt that incessant agony, which is his everlasting theme, we should find in his performances some original imagery—something with an individual stamp. We rather hold Mr. Blackbrook to be a very deliberate, vain, and calculating being, who takes advantage of a domestic calamity to display his knack of verse-making; who composedly turns a couplet upon the coffin of his mistress; whose sympathy and sensibility are only the ingenious masks of inordinate self-esteem. His view of the poetic is only worthy of an undertaker. He sees nature through a black-crape veil. He describes graves with the minuteness of a body-snatcher; and when he would be impressive is disgusting. You see the actor, not the poet. He admits you (for he cannot help it) behind the scenes. His rhymes are not the music of a poetic faculty but rather the jingle of a parrot. He is one of a popular school, however; and while the public buy his wares, he will continue to fashion then. Materialist to the back-bone, he simpers about the littleness of human dealings and human sympathies. He who pretends to be melted with pity over the fate of a fly, would use his mother's tombstone as a writing-desk. He deals in human sorrow, as his baker deals in loaves. Nervous dowagers, who love tears and 'dreadful descriptions;' who enjoy 'a good cry;' and who have the peculiar faculty of seeing the dark side of everything, enjoy his dish of verses amazingly. To sensitive young ladies there is a terrible fascination in his inventories of the tomb and its appendages; and children are afraid to walk about in the dark, after listening to one of his effusions. The followers of his school include one or two formidable young ladies, who enter into descriptions of death—that is to say, the material part of death—with a minuteness that must excite the envy even of the most ingenious auctioneer. When bent upon a fresh composition, these terrible young poetesses, having killed a child, proceed to trace its journey to the tomb—its return to earth. How they gloat over the dire changes!—how systematically the painful portrait is proceeded with! In this they rival Chinese artists. And people of ill-regulated sympathy, who, containing within them all the elements of spiritual culture, are yet affected only by sensual appeals, regard these doleful effusions as the outpourings of true human suffering.
        "Mr. Blackbrook and his disciples are hapless materialists, verse-makers without a sense of the beautiful. They are patronised by those to whom they write down; and the effect of their lucubrations is to enchain the imagination, to debase the moral capacity, to weaken that spiritual faith which disdains the horrors of the churchyard. Mr. Blackbrook's adventures in search of despair were undertaken, to our mind, in a cold-blooded spirit. A resolute determination to discover the gloomiest phase of every earthly matter, a longing for the applause of a foolish clique, and a confused idea that Chatterton was a poet because he perished miserably, while Byron owed his inspiration to his domestic unhappiness—make up that picture of a verse-writer which we have endeavoured to delineate. When extra-ordinary vanity is allied to very ordinary ability, the combination is an unwholesome, ascetic, weak and deformed mind:—such a mind has Mr. Blackbrook. He endeavours to drag us into a vault, when we would regard the heavenly aspect of death. Ask him to solve the great mystery, and he points to the fading corpse. His tears suggest the use of onions; and his threats of self-destruction, remind us of the rouge and Indian ink of an indifferent melo-dramatic actor. We have no respect for his misfortunes, since we find that he esteems them only as opportunities for display: we know that despair is welcome to him. He turns his back to the sun, and rejoices to see the length of shade he can throw upon the earth. Nature to him is only a vast charnel-house—so constructed that he may sing a life-long requiem. He would have us journey through life with our eyes fixed upon the ground, scenting the gases of decay. But wiser men—poets of the soul—bid us look up to heaven, nor disdain, as we raise our heads, to mark the beauty of the lily—to gather, and with hearty thanks, the fragrance of the rose."

Held in Play

(A Fragment of a Young Lady's Letter) Originally published in Belgravia (John Maxwell) vol. 2 # 8 (Jun 1867).                 So y...