by Wilford.
Originally published in The Literary Chronicle and Weekly Review (J. Limbird) vol.1 #20 (02 Oct 1819).
My father being an industrious farmer, and not liking to encourage me in the root of all evil—idleness, compelled me to follow his profession, arduous as it was, ere I had attained my ninth year. By the time that I was sixteen, there were but few who could excel me, in agricultural science: 'At the plow,' as Burns says, 'I fear'd no competitor,' nor was I less adroit in the management of scythe, sickle, or flail. Being naturally fond of a good story, and a trifling draught to give it a zest, I was never at a loss for friends who were willing to accompany me, in the pursuit of both. One night, having been passing a jovial hour with a few 'boon companions' at a neighbouring fair, I returned to my father's hospitable dwelling in a state of inebriety:—he being an utter foe to excess of any description, chided me with much severity, and demanded that I would seek refuge among those friends with whom I had past the night in rioting. As is ever the case, at a time when the blood is heated by intemperance, I felt the independence of my nature, and resolved not to brook usage which I considered dishonourable to my feelings; consequently, without intimating my intention to any one, 'I left my father's house,' resolved to place myself in a situation, where there would be no one to controul me, and be enabled to follow the natural bent of my inclinations without being admonished.
Passing through the village of A— the sound of a drum met my ear, and in a moment several light-hearted fellows bedizened with ribbons, marched full before me. Till this hour I ever had an aversion to the life of a soldier, but their music was so enchanting, and the appearance of those in scarlet so prepossessing to my young mind, that, without considering an instant on the rash step I was about to pursue, I grasped the serjeant's hand, and accepted the king's fee. It was useless to reflect, although, in cool moments, I could not refrain from accusing myself of folly, for what, I then conceived to be, inadvertently done. I knew that I was a soldier, and, in that capacity, fully aware of the duty imposed on me.
For the first month I was exercised three times a-day, for my shoulders were naturally so round, and my feet so much inclined to point at each other, that my instructor was necessitated to have recourse to harsh measures, ere he could accomplish the design he had in view of making me a good soldier. My chin, having been used to undergo no restraint, felt inconceiveably curious on being propped up by a leathern collar, destitute of pliability, and more like an instrument of torture than an ornament to the neck. I was now eighteen years of age, and, although a little of military life 'had given my manners a brush,' totally void of cultivation, I could not spell my own name! About this time a school was established in the regiment, and supported by the voluntary contributions of the officers, which I regularly attended, until I had made myself proficient in writing, reading, and arithmetic. Fortune, now, for the first time, gave me a bewitching smile, and I became as sedulous to her will, (that I might merit the favours she was about to lavish on me,) as in my youth's summer have I been, when striving to initiate myself into the good graces of a charming lass.—I was promoted to the rank of lance corporal, and in the same week, to that of corporal. Two stripes on my arm I was not a little proud of, and, while reflecting on the honour of such a distinction, a serjeant's coat was presented me, and I became the supporter of an halbert.
Thus did I continue to rise, progressively, until I had attained my thirtieth year, by which time I was advanced to the enviable post of serjeant major! In this capacity I continued for several years, when the quarter-master of the regiment to which I belonged, dying, I was chosen, unanimously, by the mess, to fill that situation. At first I felt peculiarly embarrassed, my society being so very different to what I had been accustomed to; but no one ever received more polite attention than myself. The officers came to my room, played at Faro, cracked jokes, drank wine, and, in short, were as familiar in their conduct towards me, as if I bad sprung from a family of the first respectability. I dined at the mess-room usually, but feared to speak, lest I should inadvertently say something unbecoming the rank in which I was placed.
A few years, however, have erased the diffidence in my manners, and I feel myself perfectly easy in any society. Having worn away the blossom of my youth in the service of my country, I think it adviseable to spend the few remaining years of my transitory life, where I may be free from molestation; consequently, I have signed my resignation, and intend to reside in obscurity. Having seen the world and its vicissitudes, I can leave it without regret. Although troubles have been mine, still have I experienced pleasures, and if both were put into the balance, I make not the least doubt, but that the latter would weigh down the beam. Convinced that retirement is as essential to happiness in old age, as rest to the weary, in the bosom of my family I seek that repose, I have been my whole life continually sighing for; and when the all-powerful monarch DEATH summons me to attend his awful visitation, with a clear conscience (which is the true passport to heaven,) can I resign myself to the grave, soliciting no other rite, as my corpse is deposited in the tomb of my ancestors, than the good man's tear—his benediction!